For a while now I’ve been wondering why I’m still struggling to reach my goals in life. I don’t lack ambition and I’m not afraid of hard work and yet I still haven’t achieved a better life for my family.
Picture: clarity
Nine months ago I left work to stay at home and look after the children. It was a difficult step to take having invested nearly two decades in my career but it felt like the right thing to do.
Having settled in to life at home and realised how difficult it was looking after small children I began to understand how undervalued and overworked stay at home parents (usually mothers) really are.
The lifestyle of a stay at home parent is full to the brim with activity. There are emotional high and lows of equal intensity and one can replace the other within a split second.
There are plenty of delightful moments you couldn’t buy even if you had all the money in the world but they are often interspersed with the drudgery and grind of everyday life and the pressures of being home alone with the kids.
I came to accept and understand how this all worked and I started to get control of the daily routine and found myself enjoying my role.
The only problem with the arrangement right from the start has been the tight finances. After a while I started to feel disempowered and vulnerable through lack of money – or more properly, lack of my own money. I wonder how familiar that last sentence would sound to countless mothers? We were relying solely on my wife’s wages and I knew that would start to hurt us eventually.
I started to look for ways of earning money from home and in my search for the answers I discovered blogging. I wasn’t sure that blogging would be the thing to earn me money but I believed it would lead me to find a way to earn a living. I set about building this site and getting involved in the online community.
As it took off, I started devoting more and more time to this pursuit, getting my story out there and spreading my name. It didn’t take long for me to realise how open ended blogging is. You are never finished. There’s always one more site to read, one more comment to make and one more post to write.
Trying to fit all this in with my responsibility at home has been tremendously difficult. I’ve tried numerous ways to make it work including getting up as early as four in the morning, and going to bed well after midnight.
I’ve worked my backside off to get it all done and most of the time I simply didn’t get it all done and spent time frantically playing catch up.
As I mentioned in a previous post, around Christmas, I agreed with my wife that I’d return to work in April and I agreed to this without condition - but I still clung on to the belief that I could turn around my fortune in the weeks before the deadline.
On Tuesday someone said something to me that shook me to my core and instantly I knew what I had to do.
I’m giving up blogging
Enough is enough.
I’m writing about how much I love the stay at home life and how much I love my family and yet, when I look back on it, I haven’t seen them for the last six months and all they’ve seen is the back of my head as I sit at the kitchen table typing away.
The project I was going to announce to you was to be my breakthrough moment, the moment when my efforts started to pay off. Such was my rush to get this project underway - to offset the need to return to work - I redoubled my effort to get content written and take care of all my other responsibilities.
I might well have launched two weeks ago if I hadn’t had such dreadful problems with my site, and because of the pressure I was under to make this work, I found my frustrations boiling over into the home.
I’ve been blind to the fact that life is going on around me and mostly without me. I’m present in the household but only really in body, my mind is elsewhere and I now know that it’s hurting the people I love.
The irony is that if I’d used the time I’ve spent blogging and networking to sell things on ebay, I would be financially better off – significantly better off. If I hadn’t spent my time writing about life rather than living it, I would be surrounded by a happy family instead of a family who perhaps feel they don’t know me anymore and might have been able to remain a stay at home dad.
In my single minded drive to make a better life, I’ve actually made it worse.
I’m not sure whether I still have the credibility with my family to ask for another try to make being a stay at home dad work. I suspect not. But who could blame them?
The thing is I’m not a bad guy. I’m generous, loving and giving by nature and I haven’t set out to hurt anyone deliberately, but hurt them I have. And now with what’s left of the time I have before I return to work, I’m going to immerse myself in family life.
Please don’t think ill of me, I have to let this part of my life go, I have to continue to teach my children well by doing the right thing, no matter how difficult that may be.
Thank you for sticking with me for all this time, I’ve honestly had a great time and learnt a great deal.
The people whose company I’ve enjoyed the most were all mentioned in my last post, and I dare say I’ve missed a few, but I hope those not on the list will understand that my memory may have failed me.
What I do want to do before I go is offer special thanks to the following people:
Ladies first. Tara Cain. Tara has been the most brilliant and wonderful friend to me right from the very start. She has encouraged me and supported me unstintingly in everything I’ve done. Tara was the first to comment on my site and the first to offer me a guest post at her blog. If you don’t get to know this fine lady you’re missing out. She’s the best! Thank you Tara. X
And in alphabetical order:
Dave the Pop Culture Cartoon guy, also known as Blogger Dad. The man is generous to a fault and has given so much of his time to me. He has inspired me to dig deep and find resolve where I thought I had none and his drive and determination are to be admired as nothing less than super human effort. Thank you Dave.
Sean the POTTY TRAINING HELP / Writer DAD / Find Your Voice guy, is just one of the warmest and most genuine guys you could ever wish to meet. His own continuing story of liberation from the shackles of a regular life has been amazing. Sean is what he appears to be – a remarkable man. Thanks Sean.
Tim the Real Life Coach, is one of the most down to earth and sincere men I have had the pleasure to encounter. I’ve spoken to Tim on the phone and had dozens of email conversations with him, he’s a funny guy and very endearing in way I can’t quite find the words to describe. I’ve read his Life Coaching Books books and I thoroughly recommend them to you. Part of the reason I feel I’m able to do what I’m doing now is because of the content of Tim’s books and website. Following my return to work - when I get the money coming in - I’ll be hiring him for sure. I just wish I’d done it sooner! Thank you Tim.
I’d like you to know that I haven’t quit and I haven’t given up on my dreams, but clearly now is not my time for making them happen.
Please feel free to leave a comment, but please also understand that there may be a delay in my response.
Give me a week or so and I’ll drop in to Twitter and annoy you or amuse you there. I haven’t decided what to do with TMCW yet. I’d like to think that I could come back to it in six months and tell you all that I really have become a better father, husband and friend.
In the meantime take care.
All the very best,
Dave.
Nearly two months ago I announced that I was quitting blogging and so many of you left a message to wish me well. Thank you all for being so generous.
My lunch on Saturday was a bowl of tomato soup with two slices of fresh crusty bread.
Hello one and all. 