Last Roll Of The Dice

I very much feel that I’m in ‘Last Roll Of The Dice’ territory.

I feel a sense of desperation and anxiety and a nagging feeling of self-loathing.

Picture: Thunder Child TM

Within five or so weeks I’m going to have to contact the Human Resources department and advise them that I want to return to work. They need thirty days notice to find me a position. So having agreed with my wife that I would return in April, I have until the end of February to find a sustainable source of income substantial enough to be called a part time wage.

Why the self-loathing? I’m probably overstating it but I feel sick that in 9 months of being off work I haven’t done enough to secure myself an online income – and yet I’ve worked so hard to get even this far.

All of my spare time has been taken up with building friendships and contacts, or writing, or building websites, or working on ‘behind the scenes’ collaborations.

My family have had to endure looking at the back of my head as I sit at the kitchen table furiously typing away.

It wouldn’t surprise me if they think I’m not working at all. Well, perhaps I’m not, not by their definition anyway.

But I have been working. It’s like I’ve had two full time jobs.

After my wife comes home from work and when the kids are in bed she likes to read for the evening or watch some TV, or go out and play sport, whereas I sit down and start working on building a different future. I don’t begrudge her that in the least, she works hard and deserves to enjoy her time away from work. I merely use it as a contrasting perspective.

I get up earlier than the rest of the family to get a head start on the day. On the school run I take things with me to read, or a pad to write – so that even a free five minutes can be used to progress my online work. When I’ve done the chores at home I answer comments or read other blogs and make comments. And when I’m apparently doing nothing at all, my mind is busy churning over ideas.

I don’t mind this so much because I’ve always believed that what I was doing would amount to something. I believed that somewhere I would find a breakthrough and that my life would start to change to be more like the visions of how I’d like it to be.

Only now it feels like I’ve been busy building exactly what I had before – and to make it worse, I’ve wasted all this time in between just to go back the unsatisfactory position that led me to give up my job in the first place.

Is this really as good as it gets?

Honestly if I think about it in those terms too long my chest gets tight and I feel a physical weight pushing me down.

I’m fighting for a reprieve now. I’m fighting to see whether I can get enough money coming in, to offset my return to work for a while longer.

So many successful bloggers or online entrepreneurs seem to suggest that you reach a point where you’re ready to give it all up – but point out that this is exactly the time you should push harder.

I feel I’m at this point now and that’s what makes my decisions concerning my return to work so crucial.

A career break is a one-time thing. If I go back now I can’t have another career break
and the only option for me in the future will be to resign and in these troubling financial times I can’t do that to my wife and family. I’d rather endure the misery that going back to work will surely bring, than risk the security and the happiness of my loved ones.

It’ll mean a return to unsociable hours, night work, conflicting shift patterns for my wife and I, child care problems, swapping child care half way through the day and the exhaustion that goes with all of this.

I’ll be watching the hours of my life tick away while wishing I was somewhere else doing something else. It’ll be back to existing again, rather than living.

All that said, even by writing this I feel guilty because I know I’m lucky to have a job I can just walk back into. So many others have lost their jobs recently and have no prospect getting a new one. Doubtless for them, their own positions are unbearable and utterly frightening.

And when I think like this I, get the feeling I need to buck up and just get on with it.

The trouble is, I’ve come too far to turn back now. I’ve seen what life can be like and I’m desperate to hang on to it.

If I let it go now I may never see it again.

Being a Stay-at-home Dad has been a truly wonderful experience and even though I’ve found aspects of it difficult or frustrating, I’ve still had the best time of my life.

I’m not ready to give it up yet, even at this late hour where I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth.

I mentioned on Friday that I would hint at a project that may stave off my return to work but it needs to bring in money from the start – and that’s a big ask.

Since Friday I’ve had a few setbacks and the project may not be able to launch exactly as I’d envisioned it but I believe I can make enough changes to keep it viable.

The project is all about ‘Blogging With a Social Conscience’.

In a nutshell I’m going to help other people and spread a little happiness… then I’m going to blog about it.

However, to make it to work, I will need support. I’m going to ask for it too – but rest assured it won’t automatically mean you HAVE to dip your hand in your pocket. There are plenty of ways you can support me

I no longer have the time to make the project pretty or perfect, I’m just going to have to launch it and adapt as I go. If the project shows signs that I can build it into a viable way to support me as I help others, I may be able to put the case to my wife for a reprieve

I’ll give you a little more information about the project as the week goes on but today I just wanted to let you know what’s going on in my life. Please feel free to make comments below, as you know, I love to read them, but today and maybe for the rest of the week, I won’t be able to play in the comments as much. I hope that’s okay?

Anyway, have a great week.

All the best

Dave

Tagged as: new project, return to work, social conscience